Running Analogies I Never Get To Use At The Store

This is just the shit that rolls around in my head all day.

  • Imagine stepping off a 4ft counter onto the hardwood floor. What would you do? Instinctively you’d land on the balls of your feet with flexed ankles and bent knees. That’s your body’s shock absorbers. Now, imagining landing on your heels with your knees locked. How much cushion you would want in order to do that? Is there any amount that you think would make that feel good? No? That’s why no amount of cushion in your shoes is going to protect your joints. Your joints protect themselves if you let them.
  • Do you know the story of Cornflakes? A hundred years ago a guy thought bland food would cure masturbation and thirty years after that his nephew added tons of sugar so people would buy more. That’s it. That’s the whole billion dollar cereal industry and all the options you see in the super market. That’s also why modern running shoes are high heeled and max cushioned – weird assholes with dumb ideas start companies and then the priority is finding a way to make them appealing.
  • Everybody runs different? Sure, every car is different too but if your wheels are angling inward or outward and fighting against the efficient movement of the car, you don’t just say “Oh that’s just how she goes.” You fix whatever is misaligned. And not from the tires up but from the driver down.
  • And while we’re on the topic of Everybody Runs Different, don’t you find it just fucking quirky that only people with money for fancy science-magic shoes are afflicted with the problems cured by fancy science-magic shoes? God smited all the middle-class white women with dreaded over-pronation and not a single Kenyan school child, huh? Didn’t know Kenyan school kids were Moses’ chosen people on running shoe Passover.
  • If you tell me you need a Phillips Head Screwdriver…. and I pass you a Phillips Head Screwdriver… Don’t go “eww” then push it away and ask me if I have any other recommendations. If you want a fashion screwdriver go to the fashion screwdriver store.
  • Okay, a thing that happens every single day: People feel a bit embarrassed coming to a running store and saying they don’t run so, out of a dead silence, they’ll defiantly announce how far they walk or how long they’re on their feet for work. Which… fine. We need more people to think of themselves as athletes in the sport of normal life. The thing is, they’ll follow it up by saying they therefore need a shoe with tons of support and cushion. If you’re so proud of your damn bike why are you shopping for training wheels, tiger? I’ll happily work with someone who’s like “I’m a squishy little wuss and need all the help I can get” but I can’t tolerate some self-declared badass who’s suddenly all “Can you stwain the pulp from my owange juice?”

Okay, that wasn’t really an analogy and I’m getting dangerously close to just bitching about work so I’ll wrap it up. The funny thing is, I wrote this post because I used an analogy at work today and my co-worker was like “Will you write that down for me?” And when I opened this document to start I mentally couldn’t find a clue as to what I’d said to him earlier. So there’s more in there somewhere.

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