We had a garbage day at work. One of 3 days in my memory where I thought I’m so angry I should leave not because I’m rage-quitting but because I’m actually being a liability.
Like, I won’t go to work shitfaced because that would make me bad at my job; and I’ve been so angry that I’m equally as bad at my job as I’d be while wasted.
I almost berated 3 customers today and one of them wasn’t even my customer. She was just being so stupid with someone else that I wanted to interrupt and fucking destroy her.
But anyway…. deep breath… We had a chance to talk during a lull and as I explained a philosophical difference between my co-workers and I, I realized a difference between my bosses and I too. Because all I really do is philosophize.
So my peers hate work. They represent a work philosophy that I see as typical middle class teen where to them work is no different than school – you’re forced to go and your goal is to do as little as possible. So their goal isn’t to get something done but instead their goal is find a good enough reason it can’t get done. And then do nothing.
And I felt superior because I like getting useful information and then using it to accomplish something. I thought I only got pissed off when people gave me useless information and expected me to use it.
Customers, as you can expect, are often a well of useless information they expect to use. My co-workers don’t get upset when customers waste their time because they’re looking for an explanation as to why they can’t help so the more useless the better. I’ve seen customers get passive-aggressively infuriated lobbing more and more basic questions at them when they realize that all my co-workers are doing is shutting them down.
Meanwhile customers can get openly furious with me because I reflexively treat people like they’re stupid when they act stupid. When people want my help they get the best of me, when they just want me to do something for them they get the worst.
And now, my bosses hate people too, they’re disgusted with customers – with every customer – to a degree that I can’t imagine having that vile black inky hatred inside me. But I realize that they hate everyone. Preemptively. They don’t ever hope that an interaction goes well so they’re never disappointed, they don’t see anyone as human so they can’t feel like someone is dehumanizing them.
It’s why I’ve seen them use the exact same joke, at the exact same time in the conversation, and laugh the exact same way, with everyone they interact with in a shift.
And I put all this information in the spin cycle of my extremely caffeinated and angry brain and realized that for my philosophizing and superiority it’s just that I don’t do emotional labour.
My co-workers don’t want to do intellectual labour, they will blatantly say they refuse to think for themselves because that’s the bosses job. They will leave things broken and blame the boss for not showing up and telling them to fix it.
Meanwhile I’ll do all the intellectual labour you want, I love organizing and solving problems. But I won’t do the slightest thing to make a stranger I don’t think is a good person feel welcome. I won’t squash my emotions, I won’t lie, for money. And it’s no different than people who won’t work any harder than they have to for a job they don’t consider a career.