Yeah, think back.
Maybe you’re realizing that your ambitious plans were all ambition and no plan?
My resolution for the year was Tidy & Prompt. I was thinking about it as I was cleaning up just now.
My A1 habit that I wanted was doing the dishes everyday and it’s worked out – I’d say I do the dishes 6 days a week, usually first thing in the morning although in a burst of habit-changing last week I started cleaning every dish immediately after using it. That didn’t stick but I’d like it to.
And I was hoping that doing the dishes and having a clear counter all the time would cascade to other habits which it hasn’t yet, being accountable.
Today I was doing a fit of vacuuming because I live in submarine with two cats. That’s as many cats as windows.
Is vacuuming everyday excessive? I’m really good at daily habits and routines while anything that’s supposed to be weekly always seems to fall off.
And the quarantine does not help that.
Which brings me to the second part of my resolution – Prompt. I actually had a good thing going in the short time between getting a job and getting laid off. Someone even said “I’m like you, I’m early for everything.” And I felt like I’d arrived. I was super early for things until I had literally no things to be early for.
I’ve fallen back into a procrastination problem as I’m home all day again. Back into the habit of ‘checking’ the internet after making coffee and doing dishes, then losing 4 hours, then thinking about how I should do this, this, and this but… then trailing back to the internet.
I still like to get in my work out before breakfast but when breakfast could be anywhere from 8am to 2pm that doesn’t tighten up the screws.
The bad habit I still have is trying to prioritize rather than do. Like, making a list is doing something, but it doesn’t get anything done. It’s still an inert activity and I’d be better off doing anything in any order rather than thinking of everything I might do and trying to pick one.
And I’m way too precious about plans changing. I’ve never been one to be angry about the weather before because I was running on the treadmill mostly anyways. Now everyday is a game of fuck-you-Canadian-spring-you’re-not-spring. And for some reason once that feeling of being grounded or off-schedule hits I just sit with it all day.
It’s a problem I’ve had at other times in my life too, the feeling that when one things goes wrong everything else is now pointless. A lack of resiliency and a tendency toward defeatism.
I guess it comes from there being no big picture right now. Like, if you need to get somewhere and the car breaks down you look at the variables and decide to wait or walk. In this era though there is nowhere to be. It’s just trying to maintain daily good habits so I come out better rather than worse but I don’t feel any connection to the out, to the destination, to the future.
Which is why, of course, it’s important to build good habits rather than rely on motivation. Opening Twitter during coffee is a habit, it’s an auto-pilot routine, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s not innate. I tell myself there’s no reason not to but the fact that it makes me unhappy is reason enough.