How To Start Going To The Gym For People Who Never Thought They’d Be Going To A Gym

First, as always, buy a new outfit.

You might think oh I’ll just wear my sweats and a t shirt. This is wrong and you will hate yourself.

Because when you go to the gym for the first time you are going to feel like an absolute knob. In your shitty old laundry-day, house-cleaning attire you are going to feel so much more like a knob among the super buff young attractive people you feel are staring at you.

The voices in your head are mean, way meaner than people in real life, your foremost job is to not give them any ammo.

Don’t give your shit-voices (or the loser fairy, or the KFUKD radio station in your head) any ammo, ever.

So buy an outfit that feels good and know that you’re still going to feel like a complete knob.

Day 1 until whenever you’re just getting changed, hitting the treadmill, and calling it a day. You’re just getting comfortable in the space, get to feeling like you are actually entitled to be there for as long as it takes.

And sometime you’ll be feeling really in the zone, good run, nice day, whatever, and you’ll go try a machine.

Machines have instructions. You can lessen your knob factor by reading them. Actually it’s a one-time spike in your knob factor but it’s net reduction over all.

Again, still complete knob but you’ll be chuckling about it. When you start doing machines just be playful, this is why you have to do it on a day you’re in the zone. Don’t do heavy weights or long sets because you’re not building a program, just do anything that you feel like as much as you feel like and keep it light.

Now you’re in phase two and you’re going to do this for a while. Read instructions, watch form que videos online, stretch at home where no one can see your knobbery.

Congratulations, you’re now a gym goer and it took how ever long it took. No set number of days, no before and after photo, no program, no shit. Laugh with everyone you know about how awkward and hard it is and take the power away from your head voices whispering its only you who’s ever been a novice and everyone else is good at everything especially sex all the time.

At some point start pushing yourself hard enough on one body part to require rest days and a split and all that but only do it when you’re in that zone too.

I promise you you’re not running out of time or too late or anything. You’re making your life longer and better you’ve got all the time in the world.

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